Manners 2.0

Introducing Manners 2.0: The Guide to Technetiquette

Over the last couple years, I’ve noticed with increased frequency the number of times a technological communication has caused a grievance among friends, family, coworkers and paramours. Last April I started documenting them in a notebook because it seemed like a good subject to tackle in a book (until the publishing industry collapsed when our economy tanked). After a recent slew of blunders in my own life, I decided I couldn’t wait any longer to explore the essential concept of Manners 2.0, which I did on HuffPost this morning. So, without further adieu, take the quiz (yeah, yeah … I read a few too many issues of YM magazine as a child) and see what your TechnoType is to discover all the ways you are alienating and irritating people. This will be a regular feature on MC.com and TruuConfessions.com going forward, so feel free to share your stories by messaging info@maegancarberry.com or maegan@truuconfessions.com.

QUIZ: What’s Your TechnoType?

1.    It’s 1am on Saturday night and you’re on your third vodka tonic. You:
a.    begin scrolling through your address book searching for potential hookups and send a Mass Booty Text hoping that one of several of your prospects is itching to get some.
b.    call it a night. You have an 8am fitness class and you want to squeeze in a few work emails before you crash.
c.    wash the rejuvenating facial mask off, pet the kitty and resume deleting ‘Assholes’ (a.k.a. people who slept with you once and disappeared) from your Facebook friends.
d.    order another round for you and the hottie you’re chatting up; but things go south when it’s time to exchange digits and you tell him or her you don’t believe in cell phones.

2.    You receive a moderately important work-related email on Saturday afternoon. You:
a.    groan loudly and complain to all your pals at brunch that work is killing you lately and that your boss is a douche bag before dramatically racing, Crackberry in hand, to the restroom to respond.
b.    ditch your significant other at the movie ticket line and race home to avert the crisis.
c.    immediately text your cubicle neighbor to commiserate about the lame-o weekend “Office Space” moment before blowing off the message.
d.    have no idea. Your Razr phone still isn’t programmed for receiving emails.

3.    You’re majorly bored at the office. You:
a.    log onto MySpace to see if anyone new has joined your high school reunion group.
b.    text message your date for the evening that you are fantasizing about what your pants will look like in a pile on the floor in just a few short hours.
c.    begin a g-chat with the girl who sits in the cube right.next.to.you. (You admittedly feel a little ridiculous doing this, but at least this way no one can hear your bitching!)
d.    breathe deeply and refocus. Open your Outlook task manager and look for some mindless to-do items to breeze through so that you’re still maintaining productivity while you zone out.

4.    You met a hottie at a friend’s house party and you offered up your digits. The next day the object of your affection sends you a friend request on Facebook. You:
a.    are stoked! You immediately accept and write on the prospect’s wall, “Great meeting you last night!” to mark your new territory. Then you email all your pals to check out your heartthrob with the subject line: “My future husband.”
b.    are a little disappointed. The prospect is clearly lazy, shady and is already online stalking you before you’ve even been on your first date.
c.    immediately log on to the prospect’s page to look for incriminating photos that will help you determine if he or she is a big skank. Obviously if your new crush can’t bother to use a telephone he or she is planning to work you into rotation and you need to scope out the competition.
d.    scratch that. You don’t have a Facebook page.

5.    You’re jonesing to do the Hip Mambo with a colleague, but you can’t tell if the vibe is friendly, professional or pull-me-into-the-supply-closet hot. You:
a.    during lunch at the cafeteria, check all your text messages and comment on the various lovers who are after you to see if you can make your cubicle cutie jealous.
b.    go in hard for the innuendo-laden Blackberry Chat during a boring team meeting and see if you can start a game of footsie without the VP of Operations noticing.
c.    send a completely unnecessary email over the weekend to keep YOU on the brain.
d.    start a poking war on Facebook, then join the group, “Enough With the Poking! Let’s Just Have Sex Already!” and see if he or she does too.

6.    When you are sleeping, where is your Blackberry?
a.    Lost in the cab you took home after you cheerfully ordered that second bottle of vino at dinner. Time to buy another one. Again.
b.    On silent mode on the nightstand. You use it as your alarm.
c.    In bed beside you. And it’s the only loud, vibrating thing you’ve snuggled in weeks.
d.    You don’t Blackberry. It’s too invasive.

7.    You notice that you have designated Jane as one of your Top Friends on MySpace, but you are not one of hers. You:
a.    leave a snarky comment on her profile reminding her of the time you guys made out in college. Her boyfriend will love that one!
b.    delete her!
c.    leave her up. You’re used to unrequited love.
d.    think nothing of it. Who cares?

8.    Your mother doesn’t text message, check her email or use the call waiting feature on the cell phone she can barely operate. When you have to communicate with her, you:
a.    harass her relentlessly in hopes that she’ll join the 21st Century.
b.    just don’t bother.
c.    dutifully call daily and suck it up.
d.    catch her on her land line and chat with her for a few minutes before faking bad reception on your cell and “getting disconnected.”

9.    Your good friend is very politically active and is constantly bombarding you with posts, bulletins, links and pontifications about his preferred candidate. You:
a.    post YouTube videos in support of YOUR guy on his Advanced Wall.
b.    ignore his jibberish.
c.    don’t even notice. You’re too busy changing your photo and updating your status to notice what any of your friends are doing.
d.    check some of it out. You try to be open-minded.

10. You are in a fight with someone who is very important to you. You should probably talk about the situation in person, but you:
a. don’t confront the situation, and when he or she texts you, you respond with vague, curt messages to get your point across.
b. can’t wait to see him or her after work, so you start a nasty gchat that you can’t finish before you race into a meeting.
c. compose an ill-advised 1,000-word email at 3am and feel guilty as soon as you hit “send.”
d. pick up your phone and call the person. It’s too important to risk an electronic miscommunication.

********************************************************************************

Your Score and What It Says About You

AGING FRAT GUY – Mostly As and Bs

POWER BUSINESS DUDE – Mostly Bs

EMOTIONALLY NEEDY TIMESUCK – Mostly Cs

FRIENDLESS WONDER – Mostly Ds

‘WITH IT’ GROWN UP – Mostly Ds, a few As or Cs

WORKAHOLIC SUPERWOMAN – Mostly Bs, a few Cs

SCHIZOPHRENIC SOCIAL BUTTERFLY – Mostly As

**********************************************************************************

AGING FRAT GUY (Mostly As and Bs)
weapon of choice: Text messaging
average daily emails: 50
average daily texts: 222
average daily phone calls: 0
common attributes: drinks beer alone while watching “Law & Order” marathons, repeatedly mentions winning the company’s Fantasy Football competition in 2006, sends MySpace friend requests to women he doesn’t know, briefly considered getting married at the Official Man-Child age of 33, Tivos “The Office,” wears gym shoes with button-down shirts at bars to look “dressed up.”
common tactics: calls his mom twice a week but doesn’t listen to her when she talks, screens calls and replies via text within ten minutes

The AGING FRAT GUY is a breathing archetype of every pathetic cultural presumption about his gender. While likeable, most of his friends feel sorry for him because he can’t admit to himself that he’s a grown up. Oddly, though, they remain jealous of the decidedly carefree lifestyle he alone has the balls to preserve under pressure. For the AGING FRAT GUY, text messaging is the greatest invention since the keg. Not only does he not have to deal with the pretext of actually giving a sh*t about the women he “dates,” he can also use it to avoid real connections with family and friends. He can even use his iPhone to play funny videos at bars and pick up drunken recent college grads!

POWER BUSINESS DUDE (Mostly Bs)
weapon of choice: Email
average daily emails: 2,000
average daily texts: 813
average daily phone calls: 73
common attributes: specifies the type of Vodka he’d like in his drinks, doesn’t own flip-flops, is emotionally invested in winning Guitar Hero, didn’t really have sex until college but lied about it in high school, has dated Maegan Carberry (whoops! How’d that get in there?)
common tactics: Blackberries during meetings, exchanges approximately a dozen emails with a contact in order to schedule a call with said individual, has assistant announce him on the phone, abandons dates on weekends for imaginary work crises

Everything about the POWER BUSINESS DUDE revolves around proving to himself how important he is. Unlike SCHIZOPHRENIC SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, the guy has legitimate responsibilities, but he would prioritize a client’s call over his dying grandmother’s without a moment’s hesitation because he is incapable of maintaining work-life balance. It’s tricky, because POWER BUSINESS DUDE is probably an excellent person with a hard work ethic, he has just OD’ed on the testosterone high of his exponentially multiplying inbox. Sadly, he tends to be so self-absorbed that he’s oblivious to how this tunnel-vision focus effects the people who care about him.

EMOTIONALLY NEEDY TIMESUCK (Mostly Cs)
weapon of choice: Facebook
average daily emails: 143
average daily texts: 311
average daily phone calls: 25
common attributes: greasy hair and tapered jeans, still owns The Norton Anthology of British Literature from college and “plans” to finish reading it one day, drinks whole bottles of wine alone on weekdays, actually likes Perez Hilton
common tactics: sending friend requests to people within 20 minutes of meeting them, making that unnecessary phone call asking for an explanation after being dumped, writing a personal blog that features nebulous posts about his or her exes and co-workers

The EMOTIONALLY NEEDY TIMESUCK isn’t necessarily the person you’re thinking of. A TIMESUCK could appear totally normal in his or her cubicle or even among friends, but the pity party is happening privately. After a hard day at work, an hour on the treadmill at the gym, grilled chicken and veggies for dinner and a glass (then two, three, or four more) of wine, the TIMESUCK is lonely. Often the victim of a quarterlife crisis or a botched romantic relationship, a person may even find him or herself to be temporarily ENT while transitioning through a challenging situation. For better or worse, there’s a self-awareness to the stalking of former middle school classmates or the fiance’s ex girlfriends. To some extent, everybody feels the impulse. ENTs act on it. And frighten their closest friends when they confess.

FRIENDLESS WONDER (Mostly Ds)
weapon of choice: phone call
average daily emails: 20*
average daily texts: 2
average daily phone calls: 20
common attributes: thinks it’s OK to wear Tevas in public, doesn’t dye her hair, buys CDs because she believes the artists need the financial support, has read every Paulo Cohelo book ever written
common tactics: leaves voicemail messages, refuses to exceed the allotted 30 text message on her phone plan each month, vehemently criticizes people who use Facebook
*mostly subscription updates

The FRIENDLESS WONDER is obnoxiously unplugged, to the point where it annoys and inconveniences everyone around her. You can’t just text message the FRIENDLESS WONDER the address of the restaurant, you have to phone her land line and provide her with driving directions. Some might argue that she is actively engaged in real life and is somehow a superior individual as a result, but those people are in denial of the technological revolution. The FRIENDLESS WONDER says she doesn’t care about finding out what her high school boyfriend looks like now on Facebook, and that’s just weird. Who doesn’t want to know that?

‘WITH IT’ GROWN UP – (Mostly Ds, a few As or Cs)
weapon of choice: Facebook
average daily emails: 500*
average daily texts: 8
average daily phone calls: 10
common attributes: drives a Prius, PC user, hip enough to know that Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian now, considered joining Twitter because Time magazine wrote a story about it but couldn’t decipher what @THE_REAL_SHAQ means
common tactics: asks younger co-workers for tech advice, subscribes to Wired magazine but doesn’t read it, joined Facebook to spy on the kids (I mean, monitor their usage as a concerned parent)
*mostly work-related

The ‘WITH IT’ GROWN UP begrudgingly acknowledges that his or her world is abruptly being altered by all these obnoxious kids on cell phones. He may still read the daily newspaper with a cup of coffee in the morning for cathartic personal reasons, but he knows it’s a relic and has wised up to RSS feeds in his Google reader. (His daughter made him ditch that Yahoo! Account for gmail.) It’s not that bad being techy: He saw on Facebook that his college sweetheart is now a dowdy snore in mom jeans and was promptly able to laugh off that time she slept with his dorm roomie all those years ago. He also scored points with the Vice President at work for knowing how to build the company’s fan page. Change, while disconcerting, is good.

WORKAHOLIC SUPERWOMAN – (Mostly Bs, a few Cs)
weapon of choice: Twitter
average daily emails: 671
average daily texts: 72*
average daily phone calls: 5
common attributes: sleeps with Blackberry next to pillow, never does laundry or washes dishes (too busy, has monthly cleaning service), dates on Match.com for efficiency, wears spiky heels, secretly owns “The Notebook” on DVD, would only skip a meeting for a Justin Timberlake concert
common tactics: uses her status as a weapon, simultaneously conducts chats on gmail, Facbook and Blackberry messenger, retweets @kevinrose like they’re best friends for Twitter street cred
*37 updates to Twitter via mobile app

The WORKAHOLIC SUPERWOMAN is just as bad as the POWER BUSINESS DUDE, except she has a biological clock ticking. Trying to be a badass in the office and the bedroom leaves her exhausted and emotionally batty. She falls asleep at night alternately reviewing the next day’s schedule and berating herself for being out of touch with her nearest and dearest. Whether prince charming has found her or not, SUPERWOMAN is determined to be independent and productive, running herself into the ground being everything to everybody, succeeding fully at nothing. Thus, she is doomed to the comfort of pilates, Diet Coke and therapy.

SCHIZOPHRENIC SOCIAL BUTTERFLY (Mostly As)
weapon of choice: text messaging
average daily emails: 522
average daily texts: 274
average daily phone calls: 2
common attributes: perpetually 22 in his or her mind, rocks $200 jeans, signs messages with “xoxo”
common tactics: publicly announcing incoming messages, dozens of forgotten phone numbers in address book, facebook pokes chicks on mobile while drunk, leaves ringer on at work, secretly used robot to acquire 500+ MySpace friends

The SCHIZOPHRENIC SOCIAL BUTTERFLY** is, to those who don’t know him or her very well (and sometimes when they do!), an obnoxious ass. Unlike POWER BUSINESS DUDE or WORKAHOLIC SUPERWOMAN, there’s no legitimate reason for the BUTTERFLY’S seemingly endless influx of ecommunications. Whether he’s an overindulged only child or she’s a validation-seeking Saturday night skank who can’t order a drink alone at the bar and sit peacefully for ten minutes, SCHIZOPHRENIC SOCIAL BUTTERFLIES want to make sure you know how important and desired they are.
**Special Endearment Clause: A SCHIZOPHRENIC SOCIAL BUTTERFLY can be considered endearing under any of the following conditions: 1) you are related, 2) you have been friends since elementary school or 3) no one cooler is available and you are trying to have sex with him/her.

• No categories